Holding the Infertility Grief at Bay

I've been wanting to be a mother since forever. I'm told that ever since I was a small child I cared for my baby dolls with great care and nurturing. When I was in the fifth grade I found a book my parents had on how to prepare for your baby. I loved that book. I carried it around with me, read it over and over, marveled over the pictures of babies, and learned about making my own baby food.

Yet somehow here I am 33 and without children.

If you too are struggling with infertility, here are my strategies for keeping the grief from eating me alive...

One: Baby Hope Chest

I love to craft. I knit, crochet, cross-stitch, etc. I'm always up for learning new crafts and I love to try new techniques in those I know. I make baby blankets, sweaters, hats, and toys. I tuck them away in a box along with other baby items that I come across for good deals at stores.

Creating things helps me feel like I'm preparing a space for my future baby.

(I don't have too much because I keep ending up giving away a lot of what I make!)

Two: Helping Out

A lot of my friends with babies aren't local, but I try to help out when I can. I love to play with their kids, hold their kids, etc. I also enjoy the kids who come through my grocery store line. I smile at them, wave at them, ask them questions if they're old enough.

I've been thinking about getting involved in some kind of charity work involving children.

And maybe I'll look into becoming a baby sitter again.

Three: Pets

I have a very nurturing personality. I have a deep need to care for things. My husband and I have two pets: a dog and a cat. I've had the dog for eight years and she's traveled around the country with me. The kitty is a new addition of about a year and a half.

Some people laugh at the idea that pets are preparation for kids but I think it's true. Of course it's not exactly the same. You can leave animals at home while you're at work.

But there's a lot of similarities. When I first got my dog I could barely sleep for days because I worried constantly that she would stop breathing in the middle of the night. I had to watch her breathing. And I slept in a really light state super attuned to her. Any time she moved I woke up.

I was so nervous about caring for her that I couldn't even see how cute she was. It was only in looking back at pictures that I can see how adorable she was as a puppy (she's still cute as a grown dog, of course!).

I finally understood what my dad meant when he said there was nothing more beautiful than a sleeping child (said when I asked him why our photo albums have so many pictures of me and my brother asleep). I worried over the puppy so much that it was a relief when she was asleep and I knew she was okay.

And the most important thing I learned from my pets is that love is something you give without expecting anything back. My dog doesn't owe me love. It was my choice to adopt her and my responsibility and choice to love her. She can expect that love no matter what. I think that's an important life lesson to internalize before you have an infant who doesn't yet know how to love. It only knows what it wants and it's your job to provide that and to give love regardless of whether you feel loved back.

It's been a little challenging for our dog to adjust to the cat. They get along really well (and are about the same size, actually), but there are moments of sibling jealousy. My dog is very sweet natured and gentle. The cat is cuddly and loving but also confident and a little bossy. He calls the shots and she follows but she is the older one and was an only child for a long time. I'm curious to see how the dynamic between my dog and cat might be similar or different from the dynamic that will develop between my best friend's soon-to-be-two children.

Here we are napping together

Four: Cuddle Therapy

This one is...odd. This might be too far for a lot of you and I'm a little nervous to admit this. I love ultra-realistic baby dolls. They're called reborns and most people who aren't doll collectors only hear about them from people making fun of those of us who like them.

As a kid I really wanted a more realistic baby doll. I used to daydream plans of how to make dolls feel and act more real. I had a schematic for how to make a doll spit up, for example. I had one baby doll who would cry when you pressed a button in her belly. That wasn't realistic enough for me so I recorded a cassette tape of the doll crying in random intervals. On long car trips I would put on my headphones with my walkman and so the baby would cry unexpectedly. My dolls were also far too small. I wanted them bigger and heavier.

Little did I know that people just a little older than me were having the same thoughts at the same time (mid-90s). That's when reborns were first being developed. People were repainting dolls to look more real and weighting them. I didn't discover this until last year!

They're expensive dolls but I love learning new crafts so I started creating them. My third one I kept for myself. (If you'd like me to make you one, contact me through my Facebook page. Price is around $250 depending on options).

There are times when I can't deal with the doll at all. Sometimes it increases the pain. But most of the time it feels good to hold her. She is about five pounds and she wears newborn clothing. Her hair is rooted mohair one strand at a time and it feels and looks just like real hair! I snuggle with her and the comfort is tremendous.