Erratic Temps After Chemical Pregnancy

My temperatures this cycle have been weird. In fact, they look a lot like the temps I was getting before I got on the WomanCode diet.

Back then my temperatures were all over the place and I couldn't really detect any patterns. I kept thinking maybe the battery was bad on my thermometer, or I was sleeping with my mouth open, or I wasn't getting good enough sleep.

Then I went on the diet and immediately my charts started looking like a normal person's!

Those erratic temps were all the PCOS. With my hormones in balance, my temperatures started making sense.

So when my temperatures this cycle have been all over the place, I have been feeling very upset. Have I not been doing the diet well enough? Do I need to refocus and work harder at avoiding sugar?

But then I think, I know this is weird, but I haven't been constipated. It's a good sign for the diet working if I'm able to go regularly because it moves the excess hormones out of the body without giving them the chance to get reabsorbed.

My thermometer was starting to sound strange so I went to replace the battery (and ended up buying a new one since that's easier and cheaper than finding the right battery).

But when my temp was still low this morning I realized that maybe it's the aftermath of the chemical pregnancy.

A chemical pregnancy isn't supposed to effect things that much. You're supposed to go straight back to normal and it seems that lots of people get pregnant immediately after. But there are those who find that hormones are out of whack for a cycle.

There are those who aren't sure they believe I was actually pregnant since I didn't go to the doctor for confirmation. I think this is a big sign that I was. That and the way my temps looked during that cycle and the change in the way I tasted food. Those all indicate to me that I really was pregnant.

So this cycle what's happening is that I had a very consistent and normal low temperature for 15 days. Then I got a positive OPK. Last time I got a positive OPK it took a full 48 hours to ovulate, remember, and it was cycle day 18. So I was expecting another O on day 18.

Then my temperature shot up the very next day.

But then it dropped again. And then went up. And went way down. And stayed down. I'm at day 22 now and my temps are low. So I don't think I've even ovulated yet.

I've also had a mild cold this cycle and I had a very low-grade fever for a day. So that also may be having an effect on my temps.

It's very frustrating and I feel flattened by it all. Sick of the effort, sick of the trying, furious at how unfair life can be. Pregnancy announcements continue to pour in from friends.

Part way into year three of trying I wonder when it's going to finally be our turn.

As Usual, I Panicked Too Soon

I am noticing a definite pattern from keeping this journal. I seem to panic that something isn't going to happen just a day or two before it does! What a waste of my energy.

I was so miserable yesterday. Then I realized that when I took my temp in the morning, it hadn't actually been 48 hours from the time I took the ovulation test. It had been about 40. Which is still cutting it close, since most people report ovulation within 36 hours at most. But technically 48 is still in the realm of possibility.

At work I started feeling nauseous and thanks to a great new book I've been reading I know that that comes from progesterone. Rather than being an early pregnancy sign, it's a natural symptom of the luteal phase of the cycle when progesterone is pumping into your body to prepare it for potential pregnancy.

Sure enough, this morning my temp had risen. So now we're in the next two week wait!

Joy and Pain

What a very rough journey this all is. I try to remind myself that life is about struggle. What would be the point if we never had any problems and everything always went smoothly? We exist, I think, to overcome challenges. But damn this is hard.

Two days ago I was super thrilled. I used my new digital ovulation kit and got a positive OPK result for the first time ever in my life! It had a smiley face. I had never seen a positive. I squeeled and jumped up and down (and then jumped on my husband).

Along with the enormous amounts of good cervical mucus I had an LH surge. We had sex three times in three days, sure that this cycle was finally our time.

The day after the smiley face I eagerly woke up to check my temperature and it was still low. I thought that's okay because it can take 48 hours after LH surge for ovulation to occur.

So today I woke up again like a kid on Christmas morning, super excited to see my temperature and to know that all my hard work was paying off.

Still no temperature rise. More than 48 hours from positive OPK result. It was like a Christmas morning with zero presents. Devastating.

In the previous two cycles I've had the temp rise and not the other symptoms. This cycle I have the CM and ovulation test but so far no temp rise. What is going on?! I'm beyond frustrated.

I wonder what I'm doing wrong. I'm eating really healthy meals but slipping up in the snacking (tempted to cookies or other desserts at times and occasionally using white bread or tortillas in recipes). I'm getting lots of my target fruits, veggies, nuts, and beans. Do I need to get harsher with myself again and focus on not giving in to sugar temptation? (not to mention those free cookies at work are definitely not vegan).

I was so sure that I was finally healed.

I have heard that people with PCOS don't get accurate readings from OPK testers because they tend to always have higher levels of LH (a hormone that surges before ovulation) and so get false positives. I was certain that wasn't me because of never having a positive result ever before. But maybe it is me. Maybe I can never rely on ovulation tests to tell me when ovulation is coming up.

I'm on day 17 of my cycle and still hoping for a temp rise. And still forcing my husband to have sex with me every single day just in case.

I hate my body so much right now. I want to hurt it back the way it is hurting me.

I want to go to sleep and not wake up for about two weeks. I want a way to knock myself out so I can spend some time away from this pain.

A couple days ago I had lunch with some girl friends and they encouraged me to think about doing a GoFundMe/crowd funding type thing for infertility. I'm super uncomfortable about the idea of asking friends for money for my own selfish desire, but maybe it's worth trying. I can't imagine any other way we'd ever be able to afford to do IVF. Would it be too snarky to do the intro: "This is for all you people who said 'Why don't you just do IVF?' Here's your opportunity to put your money where your mouth is."

Changes This Cycle

This cycle I decided to try the cough medicine trick to improve cervical mucus. I read that it has to be a medicine with guaifenesin, an expectorant rather than a suppressant. So I bought one at my work and started using it this cycle.

I was taking one a day from about day 10 on. But I didn't feel like anything was changing. So I also ordered some Pre-Seed and a digital ovulation tester.

Too impatient as always!

I forgot to take the guaifenesin and then the next day I suddenly had a lot of cervical mucus. More than I can ever remember seeing. And that was the day before the Pre-Seed arrived!

The next day was the same. I woke up with a ton of CM.

Needless to say I'm feeling hopeful this cycle. Now I'm just waiting for my temperature to rise so that I can congratulate myself on some good timing. (Not that the stupid ovulation kit is telling me anything).

Almost time for another agonizing two week wait.

Rough Day Yesterday

I was so down yesterday. It was depression like I expect during PMS but my period just ended. I was hopeless, despairing, and angry. A lot of things I am not at all used to being. It was brutal. And I don't know what caused it.

Perhaps a number of anxieties coming together. Like my husband going away for the weekend (I chose not to go and work extra hours instead), my friend getting into a car accident and me having flashbacks to when I lost my closest friend in a car accident five years ago, stress over a trip to NYC I have to take next week (the city scares the hec out of me and I feel super overwhelmed and in over my head).

It may also have been the melatonin.

I had never heard of it until I met my husband but he has me use it sometimes to help me sleep. I read the other day that melatonin may actually help your eggs so that made me more willing to take it. I took it the night before yesterday and while it did help me fall asleep, I feel like when it leaves my system I wake up. So I woke up at 3:00 am and then me waking up caused both the animals to wake up and they thought is must be breakfast time so they kept me awake for the next two hours until it actually was breakfast time for them.

So then I took my temperature and, not surprisingly, it was way off. And that made me start stressing about my cycle again even though I knew the measurement couldn't be accurate. (And today my temperature is back on track).

I'm also stressing trying to understand what it means that I get really horny right after my period ends. I should be feeling that around ovulation time not the day I stop bleeding!

I want to be hopeful that this month is finally our month but the pressure of trying not to get my hopes up too high is stressful (And yes, believe me, I have heard many times about how stress is preventing me from getting pregnant).

Just The Essentials

From reading message boards and watching videos of other people with PCOS I see lots of people talking about diet and its effect on PCOS symptoms.

There's different books and different websites and different programs that we can get on but they all have two things in common. These are the essential basic foundation of using diet to heal PCOS.

1) No simple carbs
2) No simple sugars

(and those two things are related).

So regardless of the other details, I think if you have PCOS: going for complex carbs and natural sugars will go a long way towards balancing your hormones and getting you back onto a proper cycle.

That's what all the PCOS diets have in common, what they all recommend.

It may not matter which of these diets you follow as long as you're doing low carb (basically the food that is good for people with diabetes).

Another element that's very common in these diets is lessening dairy intake.

Increasing fiber matters because that can clear excess estrogen out of our systems.

These are the basics that can go a long way towards healing us and erasing our symptoms!

Meal Plan Sun 4/19 to Sat 4/25

If menstruation begins...
Day One:
Breakfast: I had such luck with pumpkin breakfast cookies, I'm going to try Cranberry Walnut Breakfast Cookies
Lunch: Wild rice pilaf with pork chops
Snack: buffalo cauliflower
Dinner: caprese salad (must use up some of my basil!) and black bean avocado brownies

Day Two:
Breakfast: toast with concord grape jelly and egg on the side
Lunch: rajma and wild rice
Snack: cheese crackers (made by cooking slices of cheese until crispy)
Dinner: Black bean soup and sweet potato flatbread and brownies

Day Three:
Breakfast: breakfast cookies
Lunch: I will attempt to imitate the amazing duck fat fries at Victoria's with sweet potato
Snack: deviled eggs
Dinner:  mini pies with graham cracker crust and sugar free dessert pudding
I'm adding desserts to my dinners here because I know when I'm on my period I crave dessert a lot!

switching into follicular (may need to switch meals around based on work schedule and menstruation)
Day Four:
Breakfast: carrot cake breakfast cookies
Lunch: chicken with plum glaze
Snack: crispy garlic broccoli
Dinner: cream of carrot soup with sauteed broccoli

Day Five:
Breakfast: toast with avocado, cottage cheese on the side
Lunch: pan roasted chicken
Snack: deviled eggs
Dinner: spinach salad with artichoke hearts

(probably will have enough leftovers to cover the last couple of days. If not, will make more plans when closer)
Day Six:
Breakfast:
Lunch:
Snack:
Dinner:

Day Seven:
Breakfast:
Lunch:
Snack:
Dinner:

I was going to do a whole other meal plan for if my period doesn't start, but I'm getting really tired of the luteal foods and with the cramps last night, I have to count this as a change in cycle!

Grocery List:

wild rice

pork chops
duck

black beans
kidney beans

tomato
broccoli
sweet potato
avocado (2)
artichoke hearts can
spinach
bananas

dried cranberries

mozerella
parmesean

graham crackers
plum jam
apple sauce unsweetened
mild hot sauce
sugar free jello pudding
cocoa powder

eggs
heavy whipping cream

Holding the Infertility Grief at Bay

I've been wanting to be a mother since forever. I'm told that ever since I was a small child I cared for my baby dolls with great care and nurturing. When I was in the fifth grade I found a book my parents had on how to prepare for your baby. I loved that book. I carried it around with me, read it over and over, marveled over the pictures of babies, and learned about making my own baby food.

Yet somehow here I am 33 and without children.

If you too are struggling with infertility, here are my strategies for keeping the grief from eating me alive...

One: Baby Hope Chest

I love to craft. I knit, crochet, cross-stitch, etc. I'm always up for learning new crafts and I love to try new techniques in those I know. I make baby blankets, sweaters, hats, and toys. I tuck them away in a box along with other baby items that I come across for good deals at stores.

Creating things helps me feel like I'm preparing a space for my future baby.

(I don't have too much because I keep ending up giving away a lot of what I make!)

Two: Helping Out

A lot of my friends with babies aren't local, but I try to help out when I can. I love to play with their kids, hold their kids, etc. I also enjoy the kids who come through my grocery store line. I smile at them, wave at them, ask them questions if they're old enough.

I've been thinking about getting involved in some kind of charity work involving children.

And maybe I'll look into becoming a baby sitter again.

Three: Pets

I have a very nurturing personality. I have a deep need to care for things. My husband and I have two pets: a dog and a cat. I've had the dog for eight years and she's traveled around the country with me. The kitty is a new addition of about a year and a half.

Some people laugh at the idea that pets are preparation for kids but I think it's true. Of course it's not exactly the same. You can leave animals at home while you're at work.

But there's a lot of similarities. When I first got my dog I could barely sleep for days because I worried constantly that she would stop breathing in the middle of the night. I had to watch her breathing. And I slept in a really light state super attuned to her. Any time she moved I woke up.

I was so nervous about caring for her that I couldn't even see how cute she was. It was only in looking back at pictures that I can see how adorable she was as a puppy (she's still cute as a grown dog, of course!).

I finally understood what my dad meant when he said there was nothing more beautiful than a sleeping child (said when I asked him why our photo albums have so many pictures of me and my brother asleep). I worried over the puppy so much that it was a relief when she was asleep and I knew she was okay.

And the most important thing I learned from my pets is that love is something you give without expecting anything back. My dog doesn't owe me love. It was my choice to adopt her and my responsibility and choice to love her. She can expect that love no matter what. I think that's an important life lesson to internalize before you have an infant who doesn't yet know how to love. It only knows what it wants and it's your job to provide that and to give love regardless of whether you feel loved back.

It's been a little challenging for our dog to adjust to the cat. They get along really well (and are about the same size, actually), but there are moments of sibling jealousy. My dog is very sweet natured and gentle. The cat is cuddly and loving but also confident and a little bossy. He calls the shots and she follows but she is the older one and was an only child for a long time. I'm curious to see how the dynamic between my dog and cat might be similar or different from the dynamic that will develop between my best friend's soon-to-be-two children.

Here we are napping together

Four: Cuddle Therapy

This one is...odd. This might be too far for a lot of you and I'm a little nervous to admit this. I love ultra-realistic baby dolls. They're called reborns and most people who aren't doll collectors only hear about them from people making fun of those of us who like them.

As a kid I really wanted a more realistic baby doll. I used to daydream plans of how to make dolls feel and act more real. I had a schematic for how to make a doll spit up, for example. I had one baby doll who would cry when you pressed a button in her belly. That wasn't realistic enough for me so I recorded a cassette tape of the doll crying in random intervals. On long car trips I would put on my headphones with my walkman and so the baby would cry unexpectedly. My dolls were also far too small. I wanted them bigger and heavier.

Little did I know that people just a little older than me were having the same thoughts at the same time (mid-90s). That's when reborns were first being developed. People were repainting dolls to look more real and weighting them. I didn't discover this until last year!

They're expensive dolls but I love learning new crafts so I started creating them. My third one I kept for myself. (If you'd like me to make you one, contact me through my Facebook page. Price is around $250 depending on options).

There are times when I can't deal with the doll at all. Sometimes it increases the pain. But most of the time it feels good to hold her. She is about five pounds and she wears newborn clothing. Her hair is rooted mohair one strand at a time and it feels and looks just like real hair! I snuggle with her and the comfort is tremendous.