Schrodinger's Baby

Yesterday was 4 DPO (days past ovulation) and I began the usual ritual of driving myself nuts with potential symptoms.

I really tried not to. But part way through my day at work I took a drink of water and had intense nausea from it. I tried to eat my lunch but it was totally unappetizing and my stomach just did not want to settle down.

Naturally I felt swelled with hope and then chastised myself for hoping when it was probably just a reaction to the milk last night (haven't had dairy in a while). But I'm not prone to nausea at all.

Of course I spent the evening on the Internet looking up nausea 4 dpo and had lots of people saying its impossible to get symptoms so early as implantation can't have happened yet and then some people saying it is possible. And I continue to drive myself nuts.

My husband looks at me and says maybe I should stay away from looking up baby stuff during the two week weight. I raised an eyebrow. "No," I said, "This is totally necessary. It has to be done."

[I was able to eat dinner. I was too nauseated to cook but when my husband made an amazing pesto white pasta, I ate four bowls of it! Plus he made me chocolate chip cookies from scratch that I wanted even though he'd never made cookies before. Bad diet choices again]

This morning, 5 DPO, my temperature was higher than it has ever been before. At 5:00 am I was Googling on my phone whether that could mean pregnancy. [conclusion: it could. It could mean any number of things.]

Like everyone else, I hate the two week wait with a passion. It feels like my life is on hold while I wait out a Schrodinger's baby situation. No checking ahead of time if there is or is not a baby. It could be either right now.

A couple weeks ago, when it felt like my cycle wasn't progressing, I had a bit of a melt down. I asked my Facebook friends for advice on how to cope with the grief. One friend, who has been going through infertility too, suggested taking time completely off from the trying.

She thinks I should go on birth control so that I'm really sure I'm not trying.

I just can't stand it. It honestly feels like this only the second time we've ever been able to try. We tried in May 2013. Then I had a false pregnancy and found out I had PCOS and worked for the next two years on getting my cycles under control. This is the first time since all that that I've been able to actually time sex to try. I can't give that up now.

I want to be hopeful that this is our cycle, but I'm afraid of how devastated I'll be if it isn't. It makes me want to fast forward to when I can find out for sure. I hate that I'm living in limbo, wasting these two weeks of my life, trying to make it disappear so I can get to the next point.